thoughts at 2 a.m.

the lights from the neighbors back porch peak through my curtains brightly. i roll over. a 2-hour 34 minute video about hitler's invasion of Russia plays on my phone, the glow cast across my face. it's 2 a.m. i roll again.

worried about an uprising in the Czech Republic, apparently he turned South and risked or lost the entire war, the narrator says, later getting bogged down in the Russian winter. what if he had not gone South? what if he had not been born? what if it was a random thing? history is a bunch of inches strung together.

the narrator goes on as grainy, edited footage plays.

sometimes i wonder if everything i've done is random. or not random but a string of quick decisions that i now call a story? is it only a history in retrospect and near random while we live it? or do i just not plan very well? or is the world just full of too many variables for any plan to ever work?

what if this story that holds me and everything i think i know together...is just a story that was told by an absent narrator and now here i am, listening to my own thoughts that someday i will say were important?

the gummy is kicking in and it's time for sleep.